The Quite Peckish Games
by David Noklevername
Summary: Another pointless Hunger Games parody! Kamuss Evermean is a suspiciously similar substitute of Katniss Everdeen, who happens to have to replace her little sister in the Quite Peckish Games. Will she live? Yes. Definitely. She's the main character, of course. Goes OOC pretty damn quickly. I would love some reviews. Just sayin'. The main story is now complete, shockingly!
1. Hunting (Version 2)

The Quite Peckish Games

My name is Kamuss Evermean. I live in Sector 12. Damn, this is a good opening.

It's pretty crappy here. Though, as far as post-apocalyptic civilizations go, it's... Still pretty crappy, actually. Where was I going with that joke? I don't even know.

Today is the Choosing. I'll tell you what I know about it. Get a notepad, cause this is complicated. So, it's where a bunch of children, a boy and a girl, preferabley either life-long enemies or starcrossed lovers, are chosen to fight to the death for the Capitol, because apparently that punishes long dead people! Because that makes sense, right?

Apparently, The-Guy-Who-Names-Things was on vacation when they named that. Yeah, the Capitol is so rich that they literally hired a man to name things. And we're poor here in Sector 12. Am I sympathetic yet?

Right now, I'm out hunting with my only-friend, (cause I'm a badass loner like that.) Storm. We both hunt because when our Dads both conveniently died together in an accident, our families went dirt poor. So, we hunted to get food, that's all we need. Convenient how the tyrannical government doesn't charge rent!

"I hate the Choosing..." Storm commented, "Nothing good ever happens."

"Of course not! It's where they choose people to fight to the de-"

"Hold on a second," Storm interrupted, "You don't have to explain it. It's televised every year. What are you doing, being a narrator and telling the basic concepts of the story through out of place dialogue?"

I paused for a second. I was rather angered by his leaning on the fourth wall. I must think of a witty one-liner to put him in his place.

"Go screw yourself." I replied. Perfect. He didn't even reply, because he knew he couldn't beat that genius comment. In fact, he didn't talk to me for fifteen minutes. He just did this weird hitting-himself-with-his-hand thingie.

**This is the first chapter of _The Quite Peckish Games_, re-done, making it funnier. It's pretty sad that this can be considered funnier than anything...**


	2. Fan Girls

The Quite Peckish Games

Me and Storm took our kills on our backs. three rabbits, a fox, and a odd wolf-human thing that will never be explained in any form.

When Storm and I got into town, we were ambushed. Not from Peace Helpers, but by three fan girls.

"OH MY GOD HE'S SO HOT!" One of them screeched.

"HE'S LIKE SPARKLE MCVAMPIRE!" Another squealed.

"I'M THE THIRD ONE!"

Storm screamed. I aimed my arrow to one of the girls heads.

"OH MY GOD!" She screamed.

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU LIKE HIM?" One of the fan girls screeched at me.

"OH MY GOD! MY FAN FIC WAS RIGHT!" The Third One said.

"SHUT UP!" I yelled at them all. I shot my arrow through one of there heads.

"OH MY GOD! I'M DYING RIGHT NOW!" The obviously dying one screamed.

"Thanks." Storm said to me.

"You're welcome," I replied to him, then I turned my attention to the two other fan girls, "Now shoo, fan girls! Shoo!"

They then went on all fours and scurried into they're hole, awaiting another fad for them to write alternate universe highschool fic's about.

We then went into the Choosing.

"Are all the ingredients of the love triangle in this book here?" A lady who's face was covered dollar store grade facepaint said into a microphone.

I looked around for Pita and Storm. We were all here, "Yeah." I yelled at the lady. Somehow, she could hear me over an entire Sector's population.

"Alright. Then now we can start..." 


	3. The Choosing

The Quite Peckish Games

"Now, let's pick the female contestant..." Miffy, the Capitale representative then looked to her left and saw a giant ball, "Seriously?! Wow. I could fall in."

She reached over and grabbed a name from the ball, "The female contestant is..." She took a dramatic pause. The next thing she says would be a suprising twist, but is now common knowledge, "Preim Evermean! Wow. That name makes mine look normal."

I was shocked. Our name is amazing! It's a joke! "STOP!" I yelled at Miffy, "I volunteer as contestant!" No one with a stupid name could possibly be brave!

"What a twist!" Miffy screeched, suprised by my amazingness, "We have a volunteer! Good news for you, Preim! You can continue being your bland self!"

At that moment, I realized I'm in the Quite Peckish Games. Maybe I should have thought this through more. 


	4. Picking Pita

The Quite Peckish Games

"Okay, now that we've gotten one of the main characters, let's select a boy! Surely, the already developed Storm will be chosen, creating the drama of life long friends having to fight each other-" She pulled a name out of one of the two balls, "Oh. Nevermind, the male contestant is Pita Moolark. Everyone can go home, except for the two contestants, and their loved ones. Also Pita's mom." Miffy then left the pedestal.

I took a good look at Pita. Surely, he will not become a love interest, and it will be easy to kill him. Yeah, I'll brand him, too!

Because his name is Moolark?! Like, moo, like the cow?! And you brand cows?! Oh, screw you. Anyway, my mother, my sister, Storm, and my acquaintance Match walked up to me. Miffy then appeared out of nowhere.

"Alright, Kamuss, I am your escort, Miffy! I will take you to the mayors house for you all to say goodbye to Kamuss!" Miffy said, oddly cheerfully. And before you ask, no, she does not have a last name. I think that's a Capital trend.

"Wait!" I said to Miffy, "Shouldn't we wait for Pita?"

"No," Miffy replied, "Right now in the story, nobody likes him. Let's gooooo!"

And we did. Eventually, Pita caught up. I started tearing up. Not because of having to say goodbye, but for realizing that soon, I'll meet Cano, and fan girls will immediately start writing fan fictions about us. I don't even know who Cano is, and I'm worried. 


	5. Saying Goodbye

The Quite Peckish Games

We got into the Mayor's House. Miffy took us to a room where my friends and family could say paragraph long goodbyes. Storm was first.

"Hey," Storm said to me, "I have one piece of advice for you. Don't take note of the ridiculousness of the Capital's appearance. They freaking love Steampunk and Heath Ledger's Joker. They will kill you if you make fun of it."

I nodded, and he left. Priem then came in.

"Hey, Kamuss. Thanks for... Helping me," When she said that, I physically heard the sound of fan girls taking that the wrong way, "I've got something for you," She gave me some sort of bird pin, "This is my Wood Bird pin. It doesn't effect the story in anyway, the author just needed something to put on the cover." Her giving me that pin meant a lot to me. It was the last one in the Hobo's Dollar Store, and she literally had to kill 23 people for it.

Priem left, and Match came in. She told the most clever, hilarious, and kind speech I have ever heard. The author would've shown it to you, but he had to keep her a one dimensional character.

Pita's Mother came in, "You're going to kill my boy?" She asked me.

"Most likely, unless he confesses his love for me, creating a moral dilemma for me, and the rules are changed so we can both win. But that's pretty damned unlikely." I answered. If what I described just happened, this book would be poorly made and convoluted. But that won't happen, because this book is genius.

"Oh. Well, I think you will win."

That was... Weird. You think she'd have more hope for her son, but whatever. His name is a pun, and nobody likes puns. 


	6. That's Mahogany!

The Quite Peckish Games

Miffy came up to me, "Why hello! Are you ready to go on the train to your inevitable death?" She asked.

"No," I replied, "First of all, nice choice of words, and second, I am not ready to literally go on a train to my death. I want to live, so I can take my percentage of the money that will surely be made by the movie."

"Too bad."

Miffy pushed me into the train and sat me down in at a table, next to Heybetch, the drunk, "So. Do you have any questions about the games? Because now is the time to tell me."

I paused for a second. Should I ask how he won his games? Where the hell Pita is? Why there is a knife on the table, a weapon I could use to kill everyone? "What kind of wood is this table?"

Pita then popped up from nowhere, "That's mahogany!" He sat down.

"Go back into the un-sympathetic character cave!" Heybetch yelled.

"Oh! I have a question!" Pita said to Heybetch.

He sighed, "What is it?"

"What are the odds that the Careers will be extremely careless in the games, despite training their whole lives to be in them?"

"Very low. I mean, it's not like it will become so ridiculous that Cano will be portrayed as an idiot in all the parodies! That would be ridiculous!"

He was right. I must be strategic, and cunning. I know! I will join the weakest person in the arena! I am such a genius! 


	7. A Really Boring Chapter

The Quite Peckish Games

It was a long ride to the Capital. A lot of awesome stuff happened, but I'm not going to tell you, because you called me an idiot.

When we got in the main Capital building, Miffy started escorting me and Pita to our rooms. On the way, I saw a girl with her tongue cut out. That was kind of freaky. I mean, she didn't brush her teeth in weeks! This may be a bleak future, but oral hygiene... Oh yeah, the no tongue thing was kinda freaky.

Miffy got me into my room. It was all white, like the Capital, if it didn't have Sinja, "So, Miffy. What should I do?"

"Oh, just sit here unattended for several hours, then go to the dining room. Don't do anything climactic while I'm gone."

And I didn't. I decided to just go to sleep. I had a dream about a sparkly vampire and a emotionless girl dancing in a meadow. I was so freaked out about this, I woke up, and went to destroy everything I could possibly write with, and anything that has anything to do with Mormanism. Heybetch found me while I was trying to destroy stuff, and took me to the dining hall.

The food looked so damn good, I'm going to obsess over Capital food everytime I see it for the rest of the series. 


	8. DELICIOUS!

The Quite Peckish Games

I sat down next to Pita. Guess what he was having? Hint: it's a type of bread. Did you guess?

It was slice of rye bread.

What, did you expect Pita to be eating a pita? A lot of people may be starving, but we haven't been practicing cannibalisim.

Heybetch had a grail of wine. Because he's a drunk. At this point, that's basically his whole characterization.

Miffy was picking at her biscuit and sipping her tea. That is so boring and not fantasmical, I'm not going to dignify it with a joke.

I was trying to think of a strategy, but nothing came to mind. WHY MUST I BE CURSED WITH A MIND THAT CAN MAKE ONLY WITTY COMMENTS!

"Hey," Pita said to me, the bastard, "Anything catch your eye? I'm the only baker in Section 2 that has any effect on the plot, and I don't recognize any of this."

"Yeah. I feel like describing all of this in detail to someone who is forced to read it to get to the blood and guts filled later chapters." And I will.

"Are you three liking the food?" Miffy asked us.

"Well," Pita said, "I think it's delicious-"

"SHUT UP!" Miffy screamed at the baker boy, "I meant everyone but you!"

Pita sank into his chair. I hope he feels like the dick he is. He'll never become a sympathetic love interest! Ever! If this happens, I will eat my hat, and I don't even own a hat! I assure you, he is un-sympathetic! I can not stress this enough!

"Well, I think it's grrrrreat!" I responded to Miffy. Did I mention Tony the Tiger is big in the Capital? Because it is. This place is like cereal mascots, steampunk, and Heath Ledger put in a blender. An amazing blender, but still.

"I recommend the roasted pig with an apple in it's mouth, glazed with foreshadowing!"

Of course! I WILL SHOOT EVERY SINGLE APPLE I SEE! If I keep doing something constantly, all my problems will be solved! I mean, it works on Dora the Explorer. 


	9. Bath Time

The Quite Peckish Games

We all left the dining room. Miffy made me follow her to the dressing room. I have the horrible feeling that I will get some sort of dress that I'll obsess over. Not like that's a bad thing, I mean, it's not like I will describe every detail in a length of three chapters! That would be bad storytelling!

Miffy told me to meet my clothing team. Two girls, and one man walked up to me. I'm pretty sure the guy is gay.

"OH MY GOD!" One of the girls screeched, "YOU ARE GONNA LOOK FABULOUS!"

"Do you happen to write fan fiction? You strike me as someone who would," I said to her.

"How did you know?!" She squealed at me. I should kill her. I'm pretty sure it isn't against the law to kill a fan girl. Actually, I think it's my duty as a Painemian.

"Okay," The other girl said to me, "Take off all your clothes!"

"Woah," I replied, "This isn't one of your... Yaoi things."

"No!" She squeaked, "We're gonna give you a bath! You smell like a Hippogrife."

The other girl and the guy, and I stared at her, "What?!" The guy said.

"Sorry," The woman said, "I just got back from a alternate universe crossover."

I sighed, and got into the bathtub that I never mentioned being here. I'd describe the awkwardness of this situation, but I'm sure there is a plethora of fan fictions describing the bath scene. 


	10. Burnna

The Quite Peckish Games

* * *

**Sorry, before you read this, it's less funny in comparison to previous chapters. I personally don't think the character Cinna isn't a good source for humor, and a bland character. It will get funnier very quickly, sorry.**

* * *

After the bath, the cleaning ladies and most likely homosexual man left the room. They told me Burnna was coming, but, seriously, they could've gotten me some clothes. Or possibly a towel. Well, I'm not the stylist. Though I am freaking freezing.

Immediately after my amazing rant up there, Burnna walked in. I felt the pain of a thosand fan fiction writers shipping us together at that second. I ignore it, and he starts making my dress, "So, how do you feel about fire?" Burnna asked me. For some odd reason, I THINK the guy named Burrna might like fire. I'm not sure. But at least he's not going to set me and Pita on fire. That would be ridiculous!

After we finished the dress, Burnna stopped me, "Now, when you're almost done the interview with Caesar, stand up and twirl." He told me. For some odd reason, I want to run away yelling.

Just yelling 'Stranger danger!' Over and over again.


	11. Caesar Saladman

The Quite Peckish Games

Tonight is my Chariot night. It's basically where the Tributes ride around in Chariots so the Capitol citizens can see how we look. If we look great, we have a higher chance of sponsors. This night attracts a lot of pedophiles for some reason.

Usually, the Sector 12 Tributes dress in mine uniforms, making us look ugly. For some reason, nobody thought to make us look good for seventy four years.

The rest of the Tributes are beautiful. Don't take that in a yaoi sort of way, please.

After we all finished the Chariot Ride, we had to take our interviews with Caesar Saladman. I'd tell you about the other Tributes interviews, but that would require more than six of them to be named.

I walked up to Caesar, and sat in the chair next to him.

"Hello, Kamuss!" Caesar said to me, "Now, tell us a little bit about yourself."

"Um... My name is Kamuss Evermean, and I'm amazing at everything. Despite being perfect at everything, I have the amazing ability to be considered a three dimensional character." I answered.

"That's very interesting. Let's see..." He looked through his cue cards, which, in a typical Capitol fashion, are sparkely, "What would you do if you won the Games?"

"I guess I'd take advantage of my infinite snack privlege."

"That's... Interesting," Caesar told the audience, obviously fearing that I will eat salad. Because his name is Saladman! Oh, screw you, I'm clever, "Now, why don't you go up there and twirl!" Caesar suggested.

"Why?" I asked him.

"Because this chapter is really boring, and everyone expects us to do that fire scene." He answered, honestly.

I walked up to the end of the stage, and twirled, my dress suddenly catching fire. All the fan girls then run to their Deviant Arts and draw the dress. Hopefully, the fire-dress won't be a common occurence.

I mean, that would be awful. 


	12. Pita & Saladman

The Quite Peckish Games

After that awkward interview, it's Pita's turn.

Caesar Saladman talk for a very long time, for some reason, most of the conversation is about how horrid it is being named a pun. At the end of the interview, Caesar asks one last question: "So, do you have any lovers?"

"Why do you care?" Pita counter questioned.

"So we can stop all this shipping." He answered.

"Ah, I don't feel up to answering that question."

"Oh, I understand," Caesar replied, respectfully, "About puns-"

"I'M IN LOVE WITH KAMUSS EVERMEAN WHAAAAAT!" Pita told the world, as he started hopping on the couch he was sitting on for the sake of making an outdated pop culture reference.

"Well, that's proof for you. Pita is not gay, and we can let that stupid part of fan fiction for this series die." Caesar announced.

I was shocked. Not just because I'll have to kill him, and figure out how to keep being a sympathetic character after that. I'm mostly worried about the infinite number of people who will start saying 'Team Pita' or 'Team Storm'.

I hugged Burnna, and tears ran down my face.

... What, did you expect me to make a joke? Well, I heard you say my jokes suck. So screw you.

* * *

**Well, that chapter was... Pretty awful. You know what's not awful? Submitting a Tribute for the Quite Peckish Games: 65th. The submission sheet is on my account.**

** Thank you, and goodbye, David Noklevername.**


	13. The Roof Scene People Love

Quite Peckish Games

After the interview, I went to sleep. I really couldn't sleep. There are probably two factors for this: One, I ate too much Capitol food. And two, I'm about to be sent to a freakin' death sentence. Pretty much the same thing.

I really want to go the roof and totally not kill myself, but I'm sure they have locked us in our respective rooms. I mean, sure, they let us wander around for supper, yet definitely they have enough common sense to not- Oh look, the door opens right up.

I stroll to the roof, where I see Pita, "Hey, Pita, I guess Middle Eastern food doesn't sleep well with the Capitol." ... Shut up, I'm hilarious.

"Can you not make fun of me for a second? I think we're supposed to have some character development," Pita the hummus-filled jerk said, "You know, they have this weird thing with- well, it's better for me to show you. Pass me a rock."

I grab a conviently placed rock, and toss it at his stupid face for asking me for a rock when he's surrounded by them. He catches it. Maybe I should learn to do literally anything useful that doesn't involve my bow. Anyway, he tosses the rock off the roof, "It will come back in a minute, before it hits the ground. They have it so nobody can kill themselves."

We wait several seconds with an awkward silence, "Seems like it's not working. You should jump off, to, you know, test it. Do your duty for the Capitol, Pita!" Sadly, Pita ignores me, and, eventually the rock comes up, hitting Pita's face. This rock has an awesome sense of humour, "Awesome. You should still jump off. It looks fun."

"Then why don't you jump off?" He asked me. I answer with a slap to the face, then I leave to my room. I actually get to sleep, content with the fact that Pita totally just got owned.

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** C'mon, review! REVIEW! THE GREAT NOKLEVERNAME DEMANDS YOOOOOU!**


	14. Kamuss Learns Nothing

The Quite Peckish Games

Today we start training. By the time me, Pita, and Heybetch got in the training room, all the other Tributes were here.

"Okay, both of you, go to an training activity. I'm off to go get drunk. Pita, avoid the cooking training. We don't want the teacher to here your name and go crazy." Heybetch said, then left. Pita went to the 'Dress Up' activity, and I look at the others. Eventually, I decide to go to the course that teaches what kind of berries taste delicious and which ones will stop only one person from winning. The only other person here is a weasel-faced girl. Apparently, she read spoilers to this book.

After that 'fun', I leave to the archery lessons. Surely, training at something I'm already amazing at is the only thing I should do! While shooting my Apple-Target, I see the Sector 9 girl, Roo, watching me. As soon as she saw I was looking at her, she jumped off to the 'Tree-Hopping' activity. I'm pretty sure she has spent literally the whole day there. Maybe one of the Careers is completely un-able to climb trees for some reason. Though that would just be ridiculous. I mean, who the hell would spend their lives training and not be able to climb a tree? Haha, like that would happen.

Eventually, I finish the day with some doing nothing, and Pita finishes with the 'Throwing Flour' class. Heybetch comes back and picks us up, and we go to dinner. I'm suprised they aren't just letting us stay alone in the Training Room with all these weapons. I'm as suprised as you definitely are.

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**Thanks for reading, internet peoples! Please, submit a Contestant for Quite Peckish Games: The 65th! Two chapters are up, and the submission sheet is on my profile!**


	15. The Training Room

The Quite Peckish Games

* * *

** Okay, so things are going to get really out of canon soon. This is for several reasons:**

** 1. I don't really like the plot of the book- I MEAN SOMETHING THAT WON'T GET ME FLAMED!**

** 2. Everyone already knows whats going to happen.**

** 3. I forgot most of the original, and lost my copy.**

** So, yeah. That. Have fun reading!**

* * *

While I was fast asleep, Miffy walked into my room to wake me. They really need better security in this place. "Wake up, future-corpse!" She cheered. I wake up and look at the clock. It's six o'clock. I'm pretty sure she gets up at about two o'clock, because looking like Ledger-ette must take hours.

"What is it, Miffy?" I groaned. Hopefully she tells me it's time for the Games, because I really do not want to deal with more people who have pun-names today.

"Today is the day where we grade the Contestants!" She squealed, "You have to go eat some breakfast!"

We walk to the dining room, where I see Pita, Heybetch, my make-up team, and Burnna. Time to eat in an awkward silence as usual. I sit down, and see the bacon. Immediately, I pile it on my plate, because bacon can never do any harm. Bacon is a god. I also grab an apple, because an apple a day keeps people from stabbing you in the face. I'm pretty sure that's how that saying goes, but I may be wrong.

"Heybetch, can you give me some advice on how to survive far enough that the reader won't hate me?" Pita asked. You may not see anything wrong with that question, but I do. It wasn't really anything in the sentence. Pita just sucks that much.

"There are twenty things you shouldn't do in the arena, Pita. I suggest you do all of them in a row." Heybetch answered, then taking a long sip of wine. I'd make a joke about his alchoholisim, but that's not funny. I also can't think of anything, but that's beside the point.

A long awkward silence later, Pita and I leave to a waiting room, where all the Contestants wait to take a test on our skills. We go in order of Sector, so, if you can count, you know that me and Pita will go last. Surely, something eventful shall happen.

Turns out, I'm wrong, and we go through several hours of waiting despite me and Pita's tests only taking several minutes.

Eventually, the Sector 11 female Contestant exits the training room, meaning it was Pita's turn, "I'm going to try my best. I'm sure you'll do better, though. Good luck." He said to me. I have no idea why that's rude, it just is. He walks out several minutes later, "Again, good luck."

I walked into the training room. On the left side of the room is a wall of weapons. What shall I choose? The dagger, for quick, clean stabbing? The mace, for smashing heads open?

Ah, who am I kidding? I use literally nothing but bows and arrows! I grab them, and several targets pop up on the right side of the room. Yet, in the window where the Capital officials stand, most are distracted by a pig with an apple in it's mouth.

How dare they not pay attention to the amazing Mary Sue that is Kamuss Evermean?! I took out an arrow, and shot the pig's apple. This could not backfire in any way possible!

* * *

**What should I do after an extremely long chapter... I KNOW! I'll do another thing for Quite Peckish Games: The 65th! Here is the submission sheet:**

**The Quite Peckish Games: 65th Submission Sheet:**

**Name:**

**District:**

**Age:**

**History:**

**Appearance:**

**(These next things are on a scale from 1 to 10)**

**Strength:**

**Intelligence:**

**Endurance:**

**Climbing:**

**Social Skills:**

**(Okay, no more 1 to 10 things)**

**Likes:**

**Dislikes:**

**Misc. Things About your Tribute:**

** And that's it! Yes, I have no shame!**


	16. Bonus: Generic Building Block Games

** Author's Note: Hey, internet peoples! This is David Noklevername, and this is a rather odd chapter.**

**You see, it's a crossover of Quite Peckish Games and an old story I wrote: Generic Building Block Guys. Like that series, this is a parody of Lego. It's just a fun, out of canon bonus chapter I felt like writing based off that scene where the Careers have Katniss trapped on a tree...**

Generic Building Block Games

Kamuss stood on a branch of a crappily made plastic tree, "Haha, I'm up a tree! I'M INVINCIBLE!" She laughed.

"No you're not!" Cano yelled at Kamuss, "I'm going to climb up the tree, and then I'll kill you!" Cano walked up to the plastic tree, "... Okay, how the hell can I climb this?!" Cano yelled at Kamuss.

"Haha! I... I really have no idea." She answered.

"Seriously, this damn thing is made out of smooth plastic!" Cano raged.

"Idiot." Crove snickered.

"What did you say?!" Cano snapped back, "Do any of you want to try anything?!"

"Well, no," Crove replied, "I'm saving my energy for..."

"For what?" Cano asked.

"For my fight against Kamuss later! What do you want me to do, die in my first and only major scene?!" Crove scolded.

"I'm to busy obviously loving her." Pita answered. For some odd reason, Kamuss chooses not to react to this.

"I can help!" Sparkle cheered, attacing a bow to her claw-hand things Legos seem to have.

"Awesome! Now, where are your arrows?" Cano asked her.

Sparkle reached into her plastic bag of Generic Building Block pieces, yet failed to find an arrow, "Wow. The toy company- I mean the Capital didn't include any arrows."

Cano sighed, "Okay, screw this. Let's get some sleep, let her run away, and we can find her tomorrow."

"But, what if Kamuss hops down and stabs us in our sleep or something? Or what if she wrecks our food? I've set up land mines around it because I'm smart." The crippled boy asked his leader. Before you ask, the child who owns him lost his legs and can't find spares.

Cano sighed yet again, "You know what? The worst she can do with these damn weapons is scratch our paint off, and we're toys. We don't need food."

Cano shrugged, and the rest of the Careers followed.

Kamuss looked to the reader, "... So... Am I getting any funny dialogue in this thing?"


	17. Let's Get This Part Done

** Sorry, this chapter is rather short and not that funny. I just want to further the story a bit, including this important scene.**

* * *

The Quite Peckish Games

Several hours after the training, it's time for the Contestants, and the audiences, to find out our scores.

"Hello, Capitalians, and welcome to the part of the Games where we show the scores each Contestant got from there test!" Caesar laughed, "Cano, the Career and our audience chosen idiot of the year, has gotten a cool eight!" Caesar told the audience, "Same with his 'partner', Crove!"

The audience applaud. Caesar proceeded to tell the rest of the scores, up until mine, surely, I will not get anything close to the Career's scores. I'm lucky to not have been put to death for the stunt I pulled during the test...

"Aaand last but least intelligent, Kamuss Evermean, has gotten..." An out of place drum roll filled the room, "A twelve! That is some Mary-Sue level scores people!"

I can't believe I got that much! I'm so powerful, I could even join the Careers! That would probably be the best decision...

Ah screw it. I'm just gonna join some random twelve year old. That can't go wrong!


	18. Bonus : Cano

** Yeah, I'm making another one of those bonus chapters. Unlike the 'Generic Building Block Games' chapter, this is 100% canon. I hope you enjoy it! If you don't, too bad! I'm not getting paid.**

Quite Peckish Games

Hello, my name is Cano. I'll be narrating this damn story... For some reason.

Anyway, when Caesar Saladman announced my score, I thought it was okay. I mean, eight is... Adequate. If I won, I'd be coming home to some anger from the old victors, but whatever.

Though, then they announced that Kamuss girl's score. She got a twelve.

A. Freaking. Twelve.

Am I the only one who finds this mind-numbingly ridiculous? It's like the freaking universe is bending over backwards for her.

First of all, she volunteered for the Games. Okay, no problem. Though why does everyone love her for that? Me and my sweet Crove spent literally our whole lives training for something that would end in the inevitable death of one of us for god's sake! I know we're not star-crossed lovers or anything, (Get a dictionary, we don't fit the definition), but can't we get sympathy?

Second, does she have a vendetta against apples? One time during dinner, she got bored. While the rest of us would, you know, talk to people, she started cutting up apples. Not eating them, she just cut them up. Who does that?! Her apparently, because she makes Fan Fiction me look like a psycho idiot!

And finally, she is an idiot. She is just a freakin' idiot. Though, you should know that already. You read like, five thousand words of her narration, didn't you?

Wow. I feel bad for you.


	19. Wood Bird Pin

The Quite Peckish Games

Miffy walked into my room, while I slept.

"Wake up! It's time for your inevitable death!" She cheered. I almost forgot. The break between chapters for this story is enormous.

I groan, "Calm down..." I tell her, "I'm coming..." I get off the bed, and get dressed in my Capital-approved generic skin tight suit.

Remember, the Games attract a large pedophile demographic.

Heybetch walked into my room, "Hello," He said to me, "I came in here to get you for the Games. Also, to have more than about, five lines of dialogue before this damn story phases me out."

While I attempt to comprehend why all the damn doors are unlocked for the third time, Miffy, Heybetch and I walk into a room where we get ready for the Games. Pita is there too, but he DEFINITELY won't become a major part of the story.

Burnna strolled over to me, "Here. Something to mass market when you get back." He said to me, as he gave me my Wood Bird pin. This pin means so much to me, I won't mention it ever again...

* * *

** Sorry for the long break between chapters! I'm going to try to update most of my stories today, including another chapter of the Quite Peckish Games!**

**In other news, almost 2,500 views for the Quite Peckish Games! This is awesome! Thanks for reading, and please review!**

**... Sh*t, forgot to make a joke. It's like a Disney channel sitcom...**


	20. Bloodbath

The Quite Peckish Games

All of the Contestants are put in a small chamber thing, which is transported into the arena. It makes so much sense, I'm not going to elaborate on it at all.

If anyone even slightly moves out of the chamber before a bell rings, they blow up. Doing the only logical thing, everyone starts either jogging or getting in battle stance. I mean, wouldn't YOU want your last pre-mortem photograph to be of you being AWESOME?

The bell rings, and everyone starts running out of the chambers. Cano and the rest of the Careers randomly kill un-named extras, who nobody will ever speak of again. I see a backpack, grab it, and run off.

Haha, just kidding. Instead of running away, I grab the backpack and see a bow and arrows. Knowing this is my only chance to get a weapon ever, I run to them.

Shockingly, someone else grabs the bow and arrows, and we struggle to get them. Being an amazing storyteller, I will tell you her amazing backstory before she dies. It all started fourteen years ago, when- Oh look, Crove just threw some knives at her head and, guess what, killed her.

Before Crove kills me and ends this story at only twenty chapters, before the author even gets a chance to lose inspiration even, I run away.

As I leave the bloodbath, I wonder to myself... Maybe I should've grabbed that weapon. Whatever, surely in a fight to the death, I won't need a weapon.

* * *

**Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	21. Berries OF DOOM!

The Quite Peckish Games

I sprinted away from the Blood Bath, and ran to a tree. It freakin' hurt.

I know that's a cliched joke, but I wasn't making a joke. Somehow, according to Heybetch, I'm so stupid my eyes said 'screw you'. Anyway, I climb up the tree, and take my backpack off and look inside. Let's see what we have: Some 'Foreshadowing Brand' burn medicine, a half empty water bottle, and an ice pack. Wow, could've gave me some food, huh Capital?

Whatever. I guess I can live off squirrles. I mean, there is no flaw in the SQUIRREL DIET! That's so genius, if I see some rations I could steal, I'll just blow them up! Ha, Heybetch was wrong, I'm such a genius!

I see a small bush, covered in berries. Surely, no memorable death scene could possibly happen with BERRIES! That would be a horrible character death!

As I'm about to eat the berries, Pita comes and hits them out of my hand.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" I yell at him, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"

"They're poisonous," Pita the poopy head (I ran out of insults) told me, "Crove told me."

I sighed, "Why are you even here?!" I screeched. That may not be the best thing to do in a crowded arena.

"It's the first day. Let's just say Cano and Crove are doing the things fan fictions are made of," He answered, "I've come to help you!"

He gave me a sandvich, and ran off.

Bitch gave me tuna.

* * *

**Sorry if that chapter wasn't very funny! I'm trying really hard to get a good plot... I'm trying to write this story as best as I can!**


	22. Yeah, a Weasel-Face Chapter

The Quite Peckish Games

After that awkward moment with Pita the Wanker (I started using Sector 8 insults) I started wandering around the arena, trying to find the very end.

Why, you may ask? Well, from the research that I didn't do, I've somehow made the conclusion that 'Hey, whenever I walk around for a couple hours, something attacks me'. Hey, everyone needs to do their part to keep this story interesting.

After walking around for an hour, I see a bush russle. Wow, right on time. Time for the amazing story of ME KILLING A SMALL MAMMAL!

I jump into the bush. The small mammal feels oddly like a foot. It also smells like a foot. And I totally didn't taste it to see if it tastes like a foot.

What, this isn't some fetish-y fan fiction! Anyway, someone burst out of the bush.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" The girl yelled. It was Weasel-Face!

"I..." I stuttered, "I thought you were a squirrel!"

"Wow," She commented, "You really are an idiot."

"Wait, what did you say?!" I yelled.

"... I said you're an idiot." She answered.

"Oh," I replied, embarassed, "I'm sorry! Didn't here you." Yeah, remember that thing Heybetch said about my eyes? It applies for my ears too. Now that I think about it, Heybetch is kind of mean. I know, mind blowing, right?

"It's no problem!" She laughed, then lunged at me with a dagger. Bitch.

"You don't even fight back?" She commented, while sitting on my chest.

"No," I coughed out, "I'm waiting for the most epic time..." I paused, "TOO ATTACK!" I punched her in the face, knocking her off of me.

She groaned on the ground, with a bleeding nose. I take the dagger from her hands.

"Please... Don't," She begged, "Let me help you..." Help me what? Kill her? Because I think there is A LOT of fan fiction about her killing herself with some random berries that will surely have no bearing on the plot.

"I can get you audience support! I'm very popular in the Capital..." She told me, "My fan fiction count is... Enormous..."

I consider it for a moment. She may be popular, but can I deal with the fan girls? I pause, "Fine." I reach out my hand...

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Nothing much to say for this chapter, except for this:**

** 1. Do you like the characters? I could really appreciate help with their personalities...**

** 2. One thing you need to read: Anla'shok (I think that's her username, look in the reviews section) and read her Hunger Games fic. It's amazing, and I think I may use the format for later _Quite Peckish Games: The 65th _chapters!**


	23. Time For Sleep

The Quite Peckish Games

Several minutes after becoming an alliance, I rubbed my eyes, "I'm really tired..." I told Weasel-Face. Hey, it's the middle of the night, and I've had a long day of narrating, sue me.

"Alright," She replied, "I suggest we sleep in somewhere that you wouldn't look... Some place like that!" She pointed to a several bushes with a small amount of grass between them next to a tree.

"OF COURSE!" I yelled, "We'll sleep in that tree over there!"

"No..." She said to me, slowly, "We can't sleep in the tree. I'm sure we can both see the problems with that."

"I can't." I replied, heading towards the tree.

"Let me just explain it to you..." She clutched her forhead, still with a heavily bleeding cut from our fight, "What if Careers come? They always come at moments that would create heavy drama. If we were in the tree, we would be stuck. We can't run away, and we surely can't fight them from up there!"

I paused for a long second, then climbed into the tree.

"What are you doing?!" She scolded. I'm starting to hate her. Though at least she's not Pita.

"I'm... I'm climbing up into a tree." I explained. And people call me the idiot! She face-palmed in defeat. Winning feels awesome!

"Why should we sleep up there?!" She asked me.

I took out my dagger, "I'm the one with the weapon."

She paused for a moment, then climbed into the tree.

About an hour later, I heard a voice close by, "FINISH HIM!" Shouted Crove. For several seconds later, there was a silence.

Instead of the usual cannon shot signifying death, the word 'FATALITY!' boomed through the arena.

... Crap, why are all the smart people always right except for me?

* * *

** Yeah, I've been having trouble with this chapter. I think I wrote myself into a creative dead end in the last one.**

**In other news, thanks to ReadWriteReview (did I get your name right this time?) and Estoma for the reviews!**


	24. Chapitre de Rien

The Quite Peckish Games

The Careers, after several minutes, walk into an area where, conveniently, I can see and hear them perfectly, though they can't notice me. Haha, look who's right now, Weasel-Face? Still Weasel-Face, though at least I'm kinda right!

... Oh, insults are rude! Unless they're to Pita.

Anyway, I saw Crove, Cano, Pita the wanker, Sparkle, and some Crippled Kid walk into that spot I spent a paragraph rambling about.

"Pita. Go catch some plot bunnies." Cano demanded.

"Sure, Cano..." Pita the wanker said, "Wait, wait. 'Plot bunnies'?"

"Yeah. Bunnies we use to get you away so we can have a conversation about you that has no effect on the plot. Plot bunnies." Cano explained. I didn't really understand, though I doubt Pita understood. I'm SO much smarter than him!

Seriously, stop with the insults. "I don't think that's what those crappy writers mean." Pita the wanker complained. Go ahead fan girls, spam his face-book. I know you wrote a fan fiction with him having one. I'll wait.

Anyway, "You know what, just leave, before you become sympathetic." Cano commanded. I could not agree more.

Crove and Sparkle walked over to my tree. I'm sure they won't notice me- "Hey, Sparkle. I think I hear a narration." Crove told Sparkle- Wait, wait, wait. She can hear my narration?!

Heybetch's words echoed through my head. They had a lot of space to do this. "Remember, young moron. You aren't the only Mary Sue in the arena."

Well, crap.

* * *

**Hey, everybody! Does anyone want to write a comedy one-shot for the Quite Peckish Games? Here are the characters you can write for. The best one-shots will be posted on the story!**

** 1. Storm.**

** 2. Match.**

** 3. Priem.**

** 4. Heybetch.**

** 5. Miffy.**

** 6. Burrna.**

** 7. Caesar Saladman.**

** 8. President Syenide.**

** 9. Any Contestant. (Pre-Games only).**

** Just P.M. me your one-shot! It's a win-win for everyone! You get your writing seen by my small and admittedly scary fan base, and I get to pad out the chapter count with BONUS CHAPTERS!**


	25. Chase Scene, Biatch!

The Quite Peckish Games

I slid my backpack on all stealthy like, climbing to a higher tree branch. I pulled out a tuna sandvich. Heybetch's words echoed through my head, "There is a time and a place for everything, but know is not this is not one!"

Him reminding me that is weird. I don't think I've known him sober enough to give a piece of advice that isn't an insult.

I proceed to throw my tuna sandvich down at the Careers. It hits Pita the wanker's head.

"... It's Kamuss! She's up there!" Crove yelled. I jumped off the tree, and both Crove and Sparkle started chasing me. Luckily for you, I have the amazing ability to narrate through action sequences.

Sparkle took out her bow, "I'll shoot her!" She yelled.

"Why would you even yell that?!" Crove scolded. Obviously for me to avoid it, god. It's like she doesn't even know how this series works, I screw something up, and other people fix it for me!

... Like any Disney sitcom ever.

Sparkle shot at me, but, being the amazing-Sue I am, I avoided every shot. I also run out of sight of Crove and Sparkle, right before you realize that, due to training for their whole lives, they should be faster than me.

Sparkle stopped running. "Why did you stop?" Crove asked.

"Because. I can't see her." Sparkle answered.

"... You realize we could split up and look for her."

"You realize that's what happens in every horror movie EVER."

Crove sighed, "Why must there only be three competent characters in this damned story..."

That seemed to be the end of their "hilarious" conversation, so I ran off. Why did I stay around to listen to their conversation, you may ask?

... Don't ask me. That's why we have fan fiction authors. Filling in the wholes the author doesn't want to.

* * *

** Sorry for the long wait! There are numerous reasons for the gap between chapters. And to add word count, I'm going to tell you them! (Because I know you love random crap!)**

** 1. Facebook. I finally got Facebook, years after everyone else. It's super addictive. I can talk to my friends AND play Tetris!**

** 2. I keep writing myself into dead ends. Most authors do this, and it's a huge problem inside the fan fiction community.**

** 3. I love making lists. I have no reason to make this list. I'm just addicted to list making. IT'S A PROBLEM!**

**Well, thanks for reading! Suzanne Collins, if you are reading this, I have a some things to tell you. One, get out of the fan fiction community. Before you go into shipping overload. And two, you can't sue me! FAIR USE LAWS, BIATCH!**


	26. Bonus: Trainers

** This is another bonus chapter, like the 'Cano' chapter.**

The Quite Peckish Games

"Hey, Heybetch!" The resident fandom favorite, Finnigan McIrish, called out, "How are my Contestants doing?"

"Where were you, anyway?" Heybetch asked, drink in hand. Usually, you'd just assume that, but it seems like you may be a fan girl, and we know how much you like to write 'He got sober!' fan fictions.

"I was banging a 13 year old girl." Finnigan told him. Everyone stared. "... Don't worry, it was just a self-insert!"

Everyone laughed, "Oh, no problem then!" Joanna chuckled, "Can't be worse than Heybetch. He banged Heath Ledger-ette!"

Heybetch threw up a little in his mouth. Not just because he drank too much wine, this time. "That was one time."

"... No, I think it was about, thirteen. I don't know, I stopped counting at seven." Finnigan laughed.

"I blame the fan girls, ya Irish whore!" Heybetch yelled as he threw up some more. He just took a Capital brand 'Bullimia Pill' so he could drink more and so I could make that awful joke.

"... I'm not a whore!" Finnigan yelled.

"Whatever. Which ones are yours again?" Heybetch asked.

"The Sector 4 guys." Finnigan told him.

"... Who?" Heybetch asked, awkwardly.

"The one's who's names are always fish puns."

"Ah, Archerfish Bowandarrow and Cod Death?"

"Yeah, them." Finnigan answered. Their parents were most likely as drunk as Heybetch seems to be perpetually.

"They both died." Joanna said in response to the question at the beginning. Yeah, you forgot about that, didn't you? Well, I need something resembling a plot for this chapter! We can't just depend on my amazing fish puns!

"What?! How?!" Finnigan asked in shock. I mean, Contestants never die! The fan fictions never get far enough for deaths!

"Let's see... Archerfish died attempting to climb a tree..." Joanna said.

"BUT THERE AREN'T EVEN ANY TALL TREES!" Finnigan yelled.

"You don't seem to remember how hard it is for Careers to climb trees."

"I think they're allergic..." Heybetch explained.

"... What happened to Cod, then?"

"Oh, Cano literally ripped her heart out." Joanna told him.

"How the hell... Are you sure you aren't drunk? Like, Heybetch drunk?"

"Hey, I have other personality traits!" Heybetch argued.

"Name one!" Joanna told him.

"... Never mind."

"Anyway, it happened because Cano is the same name as a Mortal Kombat character."

"HOW DOES THAT CHANGE ANYTHING?!"

"Don't you read parodies?"

"Nah, I'm too busy being a hooker with a heart of gold."

"Characters with the same name as someone from something else automatically get's their powers!"

"... That's freakin' stupid!" Finnigan complained.

"Don't tell the author. He'll just end the chapter."

"Yeah righ-"

AND THAT'S THE END OF THE CHAPTER!

* * *

** Thank you for reading! I know this isn't funny what so ever, but SCREW YOU- I mean I respect your opinion! This story is by far my most popular, with 4,015 views as I type! This is mind blowing... Let's hope we can reach the 100 reviews milestone!**

** Does anyone have any requests? I'd love to hear them!**

** This chapter is mostly to show the personalities of Heybetch, Joanna, and Finnigan McIrish (not a whore!). I'm trying to make these as funny as possible, but it's hard, especially without Kamuss' idiocy.**

** Let's talk _The Quite Peckish Games: The 65th._ Here are the spots that are free:**

** Sector 2 Male.**

** Sector 3 Male.**

** Sector 4 Female.**

** Sector 5 Male.**

** Sector 5 Female.**

** Sector 6 Male.**

** Sector 8 Male.**

** Sector 10 Male.**

** Sector 10 Female.**

** Sector 11 Female.**

** Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	27. Kamuss Meets a Squirrel

The Quite Peckish Games

The sound of cannon fire filled the generic mutant forest, I mean the arena. Apparently, someone just got killed. Maybe it was that random twelve year old girl? Nah, couldn't be. She can climb trees, the Careers could never find her.

I think I've been walking for a couple hours, thinking about various irrelevant thingies. What was that thing Heybetch called me, that wasn't synonymous with idiocy? Attention... Deficite... Disord-

HOLY LEDGER IT'S A SQUIRREL!

Awesomly, I dive at the squirrel. It must either have poor reflexs or have a similar I.Q. as mine, because it didn't run away.

"Quick, Kamuss!" It yelled. Talking squirrels? Well, this is a fan fiction. I'm kinda shocked I haven't fought that Harrison Motter guy!

"What is it, master Squirrel?"

"You're delusional!" He said, "From the sting of that evil wasp thing!"

"What evil wasp thing?" I asked.

"I don't know, exactly... We don't have a parody name for it yet. Anyway, you're being poisoned! You'll have no idea what's real or not!"

"So, the Capital went all Total Recall on my ass?"

"... What is the 'Total Recall' you speak of?"

"Sorry, most parodies reference things the characters couldn't possibly know about. I just want to be like the cool kids!" I told Master Squirrel, "How did I get stinged, anyway?"

"It happened in-between the chapters!"

"You mean things happen then other then me sleeping or walking?"

"YES!"

"Oh." I said in mild shock.

"Well, I'll help you find food and water-"

I grabbed a rock.

"Perfect! Get a rock for our defense!"

I proceeded to crush the squirrel with a rock. What, who said I had to be such a sympathetic character all the time? I'm not like, Bizarro-Pita!

After eating a delicious squirrel master, I started walking again. Maybe something worth narrating will happen!

Suddenly, through my amazing powers of narrating, Pita the Wanker burst out of the bushes. WHYYYY?!

Luckily, Cano also burst out of the bush and jumped at Pita the Wanker. Keep in mind, this isn't some of your fan girl yaoi crap, so they aren't making out and crap. Though I would love to see Cano's half. But this isn't the time for sexual innuendo!

Cano cut Pita with a dagger. Oh my god, I love him so much right now. I may be delusional right now, but you can right yaoi about us any day!

"Kamuss!" Pita the Wanker called out to me.

"Shut up so Cano can cut you s'more!" I yelled.

"Thanks!" Cano yelled at me.

"I know you're delusional, so I came here to save you after I found out Cano was coming for you!" Freakin' Pita the Stalker.

"... Shut up!" I yelled as I ran away. I don't want to see Pita the Stalker anymore, and I know Cano is going to win that fight.

After running for a extremely vague period of time, I blacked out...

"Wake up!" A girl's voice yelled...

* * *

** Thanks for reading! In case you don't know, the 'Harrison Motter' guy is the main character of another one of my stories, a second parody, called _Harrison Motter and the Philosopher's Teddy_. Maybe you should read it? Hint hint.**

** Here is an updated list for needed Contestants:**

**Sector 2 Male.**

**Sector 3 Male.**

**Sector 4 Female.**

**Sector 5 Female.**

**Sector 6 Male.**

**Sector 8 Male.**

**Sector 10 Female.**

**Sector 11 Female.**


	28. The Roo Chapter

The Quite Peckish Games

"Wake up!" A girl yelled. Who is yelling at me to wake up will be a shock to all of you reading this! Well, except the readers who actually read the actual book, but how many of you guys actually did that?

... Holy Ledger that's a lot.

Anyway, I quickly sat up, "STRANGER DANGER!" I yelled. I do that everytime I wake up in a weird place since yaoi became a thing, and most people in the series seem to be rapists in your... Things.

"Awesome! You're awake!" The girl cheered.

"Yep, awesome," I replied, "Now, how long have I been unconcious?"

The girl paused for a moment, "I think about... Five days?"

"So, you're telling me the Careers, who trained for their lives to fight in the Games and track down the other Contestants, didn't notice a twelve year old girl carrying around a sixteen year old girl in a totally non-sexual way?"

"... Pretty much!"

"Well, can't argue with that logic. Last chapter I met a talking squirrel!" I cheered.

"Were you high?" The girl asked.

I thought for a moment, "Probably. What's your name?"

"I'm Roo, from Sector 11." She explained.

"Roo?" I asked. She nodded, "Why are you all alone? What happened to Kanga and Winnie the Pooh?"

"Yes, I realize my name is the same as a Disney character. May we forget about that and stop making crappy jokes about it?" Roo asked.

"... If you give me some hunny." I told her. She face-palmed. This reminds me of my old conversations with Storm!

"Whatever. Let's do some hunting!"

"Wait!" I yelled, "Did anyone die when I was gone?"

"Yeah, I think some people!" Roo said, "Glimmer, Weasel Face, and Hiroki Suigimura."

"Alright- wait, Hiroki?" I said. I guess I'm gonna ignore the fact that Roo knows my name for that Weasled face girl that I have only ever said for a moment, "That name is too... Asian for this series. Who the heck is he?"

"Sorry. The rules of the internet require me to make at least one reference to Battle Royale."

"'Battle Royale'? I've never really heard of it. Is it that thing where the guy's guts spilt out?"

"Yes, but let's get back to the plot." Roo said.

"Back to the plot?! We literally had a chapter that served only to make fun of fan girls, and, may I reference this for the millionth time, last chapter I met a talking squirrel."

Roo sighed, "Wow. This is just... Ridiculous. Now I realize why Heybetch hates you so much."

Haha, Heybetch may hate me, but you don't, right? Right?! RIGHT?! 


	29. And Suddenly You Start Hating Me!

The Quite Peckish Games

Roo and I were walking through a generic field that somehow feels familiar. It's as if a major plot point that the damn watchers will never stop obsessing over. I'm not talking about the fan girls (Yes, I can stop insulting those slimy, odd little beings for a chapter.), I'm talking about the damned Capitol citizens.

"You know, I don't really feel safe here..." Roo sighed.

"C'mon, it's not as if the writer is so un-original that he has to re-use a major scene from the book that almost every single fan fiction adapts!" I replied. Yeah, author. Don't say I've never defended you.

"Did you just imply that he's original?!" Roo asked.

"... I don't understand what you are saying!" I yelled. I don't even know what the word IMPLY means! Take THAT, Roo!

"He's not original! HE LITERALLY JUST DID TEN CHAPTERS OF COMMENTARY!" Roo yelled. I'd say that I can't argue with that, or something equally as original and witty, but suddenly, a tree threw a spear at us!

"OH NO!" Roo screamed, giving her her final line of dialogue before the armies of fan girls (poorly) write fan fiction about her CLIMACTIC return, that is all basically the same.

"YOU BASTARD!" I yelled, staring at the tree. He is now my ONE. TRUE. NEMISIS!

I take out my bow and arrows, and shoot one of the apples on the tree, "Take that! I have killed someone you loved in a completely non-yuri way too!"

I prepared another shot, and released. For some odd reason, I completely miss the tree, despite shooting (a quite large amount) of apples from the same, if not greater, distance.

The wayward (Yeah, I know words.) arrow misses the tree and hits that Arachnid-Kid writer- I mean Career, Mahvel.

"ARGH! You... Are much better than I thought you were..." He coughs out. I am, understandabley, suprised. Finally, someone understands my pure, focused AWESOMENESS!

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"You are actually really smart. You joined that weasel-faced girl, only to let her die so you didn't have to do it yourself, still letting you get sympathy from the Capitol. You dropped the Sandvich on Pita, so he would be confused before Crove attempts to attack you. Cano, not knowing what exactly was dropped on Pita, would stay behind and check if Pita was okay, leading to an argument which involved Pita being kicked out of the Career pack, and the would fight. One of them would inevitabley kill the other. When I killed Roo-"

"You killed Roo?!"

"Of course. Who did you think did it?" Mahvel asked.

"... That tree."

Mahvel face palmed. Then he died, because an arrow is enough to kill someone only after having a lengthy and boring conversation.

* * *

** Yeah, guess what? THE SONG EVERYONE LOVES IS ON THE NEXT CHAPTER!**


	30. The 100-Acre Arena

The Quite Peckish Games

"Wake up!" A girl yelled. Who is yelling at me to wake up will be a shock to all of you reading this! Well, except the readers who actually read the actual book, but how many of you guys actually did that?

... Holy Ledger that's a lot.

Anyway, I quickly sat up, "STRANGER DANGER!" I yelled. I do that everytime I wake up in a weird place since yaoi became a thing, and most people in the series seem to be rapists in your... Things.

"Awesome! You're awake!" The girl cheered.

"Yep, awesome," I replied, "Now, how long have I been unconcious?"

The girl paused for a moment, "I think about... Five days?"

"So, you're telling me the Careers, who trained for their lives to fight in the Games and track down the other Contestants, didn't notice a twelve year old girl carrying around a sixteen year old girl in a totally non-sexual way?"

"... Pretty much!"

"Well, can't argue with that logic. Last chapter I met a talking squirrel!" I cheered.

"Were you high?" The girl asked.

I thought for a moment, "Probably. What's your name?"

"I'm Roo, from Sector 11." She explained.

"Roo?" I asked. She nodded, "Why are you all alone? What happened to Kanga and Winnie the Pooh?"

"Yes, I realize my name is the same as a Disney character. May we forget about that and stop making crappy jokes about it?" Roo asked.

"... If you give me some hunny." I told her. She face-palmed. This reminds me of my old conversations with Storm!

"Whatever. Let's do some hunting!"

"Wait!" I yelled, "Did anyone die when I was gone?"

"Yeah, I think some people!" Roo said, "Glimmer, Weasel Face, and Hiroki Suigimura."

"Alright- wait, Hiroki?" I said. I guess I'm gonna ignore the fact that Roo knows my name for that Weasled face girl that I have only ever said for a moment, "That name is too... Asian for this series. Who the heck is he?"

"Sorry. The rules of the internet require me to make at least one reference to Battle Royale."

"'Battle Royale'? I've never really heard of it. Is it that thing where the guy's guts spilt out?"

"Yes, but let's get back to the plot." Roo said.

"Back to the plot?! We literally had a chapter that served only to make fun of fan girls, and, may I reference this for the millionth time, last chapter I met a talking squirrel."

Roo sighed, "Wow. This is just... Ridiculous. Now I realize why Heybetch hates you so much."

Haha, Heybetch may hate me, but you don't, right? Right?! RIGHT?! 


	31. That Song That Makes You Hate Youtube

The Quite Peckish Games

I strolled over to Roo's body. Hmm... What should I do? Run away? Nah, that would be too logical. I'm gonna SING TO HER CORPSE! This moment will be so beautiful, nobody would ruin it by attacking me. Seriously, I think it has literally never happened in any fan fiction. Oh, every fan fiction has an equivalent. Because those writers are TOTES CREATIVE!

I decide to sing a song Heybetch once drunkinly "sang" infront of the Capitol. I believe singing it makes you somthing called a... Troll? "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and, desert you..." I start tearing up. I'm done singing.

No, not because I'm sad. It's because the damn author is paranoid about this story being deleted for featuring music lyrics. PARANOIA, YEAH!

I see a Hovercraft in the sky, and a man I believe is a Peace Helper pokes his head out of it, "Um, can you go away? We're not allowed to take away a corpse while the main character is near it!"

"Can't you see I'm making a desperate attempt to be sympathetic here?!" I reply. My stall tactic works, and I manage to run away with all of Roo's supplies.

... What? I have enough sympathy points to last this whole series at this point! I volunteered for my sister Priem, I... Teamed up with a twelve year old and directly led to her death despite her doing well on her own, and I'm sure I'm going to make smart decisions throughout the rest of the series, and nobody will parody my idiocy with a mildly popular fan fiction series! (Quite poorly, I may add. But that would never happen!)

* * *

***Sighs* I may release an extended version of this chapter on another website (I'm thinking about doing a special edition of the story called _The Quite Peckish Games: Tale of an Idiotic Mary Sue_. Yes, I'm milking this series for all it's worth! I'm 'The Man' that hippies keep complaining about.) due to the ban of song fics on this site.  
**

** Does anyone have a Contestant they want to see more of? I'm stuck right now. I'm thinking of doing a 'Pita Mesh (Thresh) alliance' storyline.**

** In other (not really) news, I really want a T.V. Tropes article on this series. I use that site all the time, and my narcissisim (I don't know how to spell that) would thank you.**


	32. Crippled Kid on Patrol

The Quite Peckish Games

I'm walking in a forest. I can't believe those Careers. Killing other children just to help their Sector and themselves for a year... I may be doing the exact same thing, but I'm the protaganist! I'm allowed!

Now, what should I do...

I know, I'll blow them up! But surely it will take a long, long time to find their camp, but I am so bloody angry- Oh, hey look. It's right over there.

I look in the distance and see a literal pyramid of supplies. Hahahahaha, I feel smart now.

I crouch down into a bush, so I can listen in on their conversation. I'm just glad I'm sitting by a tree. Everyone knows Careers are allergic to trees. Even I know it! That means EVERYONE does. Mostly because the Author keeps over-using jokes about it.

"So, Crove," Cano started, "Okay, so, Cod Death, Archerfish Bowandarrow, and Sparkle McVampire are dead. Mahvel might be, too."

"Yeah." Crove agreed.

"We should hunt down Kamuss and Mesh," Cano suggested, "But we need someone to watch our supplies. We have a dangerous amount of apples by our landmines. Let's thank Sparkle for that, by the way."

"I vote the Crippled Kid should stay." Crove said.

"... Are you serious?" Cano asked. I don't see a problem in what Crove said, but whatever.

"Yes."

"Fine..." Cano sighed.

"Do I get any say in this?" The Crippled Kid asked.

"Do we know your name?" Cano replied.

"Well, no..."

"Then you don't." Cano answered. Both Cano and Crove left, with their weapons.

I wait a moment, then aim for an apple. Using my amazing abilities of inexplicable aiming, I hit the apple. This sets off a chain reaction of 'splosions.

I was knocked back. Maybe I should've thought this through better. I don't think I can hear through my left ear. It's no problem, though. That will never affect the plot.

Cano and Crove come back to the camp, and I hide. Somehow, the Crippled Kid survived the blast, despite being almost beside it.

Cano walked up to him, "... WHAT THE HELL?! What the hell is with this place?! You just caused- ARGH!" Cano ranted, as he snapped the Crippled Kid's neck.

Wow, that was a depressing paragraph. Let's end it on a joke!

... I'm waiting.

* * *

**Wooh, that one took a while to write. About forty five minutes. Almost done this story! Hoping I can end it at about fifty chapters, including bonus chapters/alternate endings/commentaries.**

** I'd like to thank a couple of people for this: Skyflower51, the first follower of the story and first reviewer, Readwritereview, the first person to favorite the story, and everyone who has read it to here. Seriously, without you, this story would've been cancelled before I could even make it to the interviews!**

** Other news: My stories _Pokemon Red But With A Good Story_, _Super Smash Bros. But With Dialogue_, and_ Samus Aran Meets New People_ are all up for adoption. If anyone wants to pick them up, P.M. me.  
**


	33. An Echo From Sector 9

The Quite Peckish Games

As I ran, I came across a field of wheat. Surely nobody would consider hiding in a location that is both flat and open, easy to hide in, with lots of food! I'm such a genius, I'm just going to let my guard down and have a NAP!

As I lay down in the wheat, thinking about Sector 9, (Seriously, I think their whole country is basically a field of wheat! That's not just my idiocy talking, that's what Heybetch told me. Not even fan fiction overly-uses this Sector! And Heybetch is right about everything! He told me so.) a odd, creepy, slimy thing pops up from the wheat!

No, it wasn't a monster. It was something worse! It was- it was- PITA, THE MAN (I use that term loosely) WITH MANY INSULTING TITLES!

"Oh my god, Kamuss!" Pita the Stalker gasped, "I thought you were dead!"

"... Why?" I asked. Why would anyone think I would die in the Games? Well, they'd probably think that if they used logic, but nobody uses that! IT'S FAN FICTION!

"Because... Why shouldn't I believe it? The Careers over-power you in virtually all aspects. The only reason I'm alive is because I'm with Mesh, who doesn't really have any personality besides 'Big Strong Guy'." Pita the Stalker answered. God, I hate him. I hate him so much, I had to use up all my justifications for hating him, and we haven't even gotten into the second book!

"Oh yeah, well I'm the MAIN CHARACTER!" I gloated. Can you argue with that logic?

... Oh, well apparently, you can. Screw you, then.

"I can't argue with that. C'mon and meet Mesh!" Pita the Stalker said.

We walked to the other side of the Wheat field (I walked as far away from Pita the Wanker as possible), and I saw a area cleared of wheat, with a large man sitting in it. Why didn't this make it into my description of the area before, you ask? Well, stop poking damn holes in the story, fan girls! Did you really expect this author to write anything that made any bloody sense?!

... Wow, you did?! You should really lower your expectations.

"Hello, comrades." Mesh greets. "I am happy to make your acquaintance!" That freakin' idiot. What? It's a rule of fiction now. Anyone strong has to be either an idiot or the love interest, and this story surely will never have anything resembling a love triangle!

"That guy is an idiot." I whispered to Pita the Stalker.

"Not really. In fact, he's quite smart. And strong, too!" Pita the Homosexual told me.

I sit down next to Mesh, and we have deep, intellectual small talk. Well, Mesh does. Exploring the universe and logic of the Games, and the deep, intertwined relationships. I'd show you the conversation, but the Author is freaking lazy, so I'll tell you the end.

"... So," Mesh said, "In conclusion, every time someone says something sweet, dramatic, and/or memorable/quotable/marketable, someone dies. In regards to this rule, none of us shall say anything sweet, or make any promises that involve the word 'always'."

We all agree, "Now, remeber," I said, "We need to get one of us out of here. Surely, they will only let one of us out. Any more or less would just be poor writing! Now, do we agree to defend me, always?" I ask. Oh censor, I just realized what I did...

I could've had a V8!

Oh, also, Cano and Crove show up.

"Cano," Crove begins, "I'll take care of them. You run away and get ready for the FINAL FIGHT!" Crove suggests. I see no stupidity behind this, but surely Cano will. I'm pretty sure his whole thing is him ranting. That's just so annoying and stupid, a character ranting all the time!

"Soooo, you plan on killing all of them yourself?" Cano asked.

"Pretty much." Crove answered.

"Despite the fact that we're afraid of Mesh, Kamuss has Mary Sue plot armour, and Pita even escaped my blade?"

"Yep."

"And you're sure you'll win, so you want me to leave you alone with them?"

"Correct."

"Even if you do win, you want me to train for us having to attempt to kill each other?"

"Yes sir!"

"... I hate my life. I love you." Cano sighed.

"I love you to!" Crove replied, "Hey, remember the time we fuc-"

"Yeah. But for some reason we're not allowed to mention it on the internet. Goodbye." Cano said, as he kissed Crove.

Crove get's into fighting position.

"So, why did none of us leave while those two were having witty back and forth?" Pita the Homosexual asked.

I shrugged. Well, shit.

* * *

** Wooh! This is the 30th chapter in the main _The Quite Peckish Games_ story! Yeah, I really have 14 chapters of filler crap- I mean, special bonuses! At this point, _The Quite Peckish Games_ has 5,926 views, and 86 reviews! Let's try to push it to one hundred reviews!**

** This is the longest chapter yet, and the last few final will be the same basic length. Sorry for rushing things, but I want to get to the end! At this point, I have planned out this chapter to the end of this parody, and a few alternate endings in mind. I'm also trying to get a few guest authors to do bonus chapters, and I'm not telling exactly who I have set right now, but I'll give you a hint: She has a series which let's _The Hunger Games_ cast voice their opinions.**

** I'm also going to put out a_ Oh my god, I'm Catching Fire__!_ preview later December as a Christmas/other Holidays gift!**

** As usual, please read and review!**


	34. I'm a Muppet of a Girl Guest Chapter!

**Noklevername's Disclaimer: Hey, hey, hey! I'm David Noklevername, and I've finally gotten someone to do a guest chapter! Guess who? I'm a Muppet of a Girl, writer of _What if the boy hadn't lived_ and _Hijacked_! Yeah, I love getting others to do work for me!**

** I'm a Muppet of a Girl Disclaimer:** Bonus Chapters for the Quite Peckish Games (Disclaimer: all characters and names and their personalities and stuff belong to you!) Warning: Content may be crap.

Kamuss and Pita in the cave (You know, that place that they never go to in the freakin' story.)

"Come back here, fiend!" I shout at the squirrel as it scampers up the trunk of a tree. I shake my fist at it. "Only cowards climb trees!" Yes, we will forget those times I climbed into trees. Shut up, Continuity Peace Helper!

I hear a groan and look down to discover that I'm standing on Pita's face. And no, not in a sexual way, you damned fan girls.

"Can you move please?" he asked.

I think about it. I don't really want to move, because Pita looks a whole lot better (Well, a whole less mind numbingly awful...) when he's trampled beneath my feet, but I guess I can't leave him down there forever, can I?  
Can I?

Pita pushes me off before I come up with a genius plan on how to strap him to my feet like skis.

"So I'm bleeding to death," Pita explained. "Cano cut me when I was saving your life."

I nod. "Okay." I hope he realizes what I'm implying.

"Aren't you going to nurse me back to health with the loving tenderness that your cold-hearted character shouldn't be capable of showing?" he questions.

"No. It's not like I'm a Mary Sue or anything," I scoff, and then I glance wildly at the hidden cameras, hoping they haven't seen through me. I mean, how could they? I'm the most original person you've ever met. It's not like I'm a thinly veiled parody of an established medicine plant-named character! That would just be stupid!  
"Let's go in that cave," Pita points to a convenient hole in the ground. This is the book that has sold millions, people.

"Whoa." I back away, holding my hands up. "Nuh-uh. I don't swing that way, bro." Despite what fan fiction has told you, that's true. Unless, of course, the Author decides to make this a slash fic. Knowing all the painful things I've done to him, I'm kinda expecting it.

"What way?" he asks, confused.

"I don't get involved with my stalkers," I explain. "It's against my moral code."

He looks at me. "You led a twelve-year-old girl to her untimely death, and you say you have a moral code?"

"Hey, I'm not the one who threw a spear into her gut!" I protest. Then I stop and have to think about it. "Or am I?" I can't really remember. The Author is pretty shitty with continuity.

Pita pulls me by the ankles into the cave, and I scream loud enough to bring Cano running. But it's not like he's actually looking for me or anything. He's probably just chilling in a bush somewhere. I mean, come on, it's really not that hard to find me. If he was looking, he'd find me, like, instantly. I've been scattering breadcrumbs behind me throughout the entire Games, for goodness sake!

... Yeah, I mean that literally. NOW SHUT UP AND READ THE STORY!

"Do you want to know when I first fell in love with you?" Pita asks dreamily.  
I throw up in my mouth. Pita ignores me.  
"We were little, and you started to sing the mountain song. You had two braids instead of one," he tells me.

"I have no recollection of any of that."

Pita frowns. "This is the part where you tell me that heartwarming story about Preim and her pet horse, and then you kiss me."

I laugh, but then I realize that he's serious. "I have a better idea," I tell him. "I'm going to go and team up with Mesh, because I actually have a chance of surviving with him."

"But we're star-crossed lovers!"

Jeez, this guy really doesn't give up, does he? You try to let a guy down easy, and he does THIS. "Look, Pita, it's not me, it's you," I tell him kindly.

He blinks away tears. "I-I don't understand."

"You're just not up to my standards." I pat him consolingly on the shoulder. "I just can't be with someone who's named after bread." He's also kind of an idiot. But I'm being nice right now, for literally no reason.

He puts his face into his hand and sobs. I leave him there and climb out of the cave, back into the daylight. I start off into the forest filled with fresh determination.

I'm going to find that squirrel, or I'll be damned.

**This is her second chapter, because padding out the word length for me is AWESOME! This also shows the now canon personality of Sparkle!**

**-The Careers traveling through the arena-**

"OMG," Sparkle screamed. "Look at this pinecone!"

"It's very nice, Sparkle," Crove said with forced patience. "Just like the last five you showed me."

"Guise," Sparkle said, suddenly panicked. "I think I dropped my cell phone. It's, like, not in my pocket anymore."

Cano went for his sword but Crove grabbed his arm, shaking her head.

"Sparkle," Crove said. "Cell phones don't exist in this time period."

Sparkle's face cleared. "Right. I totes forgot," she laughed.

"Let's just find the girl on fire," Cano grumbled.  
"OH!" Mahvel stopped dead and clutched his head, his eyes staring through time.

"What's wrong with him?" Sparkle asked, frightened.

"I know that look," Crove whispered. Her eyes widened. "He's been mind-blown."  
Cano and Sparkle gasped and backed away from Mahvel.  
"I just realized," he breathed, "that when that forest fire came through, the Girl on Fire was literally the girl on fire."

Sparkle passed out. Crove and Cano stared at each other in awe.  
"The prophecy has been fulfilled," Crove whispered.  
"Guise," Sparkle said eagerly, having regained consciousness. Because, you know, plot. "I'm like, so excited for when we win! We're all going to be victors and live in mansions and get new clothes and stuff!"

Cano reached for his sword again, but Crove said slowly, "That's right, Sparkle. We're all going to win."  
Sparkle smiled happily, her eyes going crossed. "I'm going to give you a totes adorbs makeover, Crove."

Just then Pita walked back into the scene.  
"Luverboi," Cano said, nodding to him. "Lead us to your girlfriend while we overlook the obvious fact that you're playing us, because you've already expressed your undying love for the girl we're hunting down and even an idiot could see that you aren't going to kill her."

Pita nodded back. "Alright."  
"Hey," Sparkle said uncertainly. "What if Kamuss climbs a tree, every Career's greatest weakness? And what if there's a nest of some kind of deadly insect there, and she dumps them on top of us, which leads to our ultimate demise?"

"Yeah, sure Sparkle," Crove said, walking away with Cano. She rolled her eyes at him and mouthed, "Blondes."

"I really think we should have learned to climb trees at some point in our training," Sparkle gushed on. "I mean, WTF, did we like think we'd never encounter a tree during the Games? Even I'm not that stupid."

No one was listening anymore. Sparkle shrugged and pulled out a copy of Twilight, beginning to read.

"Let's go find Kamuss," Cano said. "What could go wrong?"

** Thanks for reading! I'm so glad I didn't have to write the longest chapter in the series! Please read her other works, I'm sure she'd love some more views and reviews!**


	35. Plot Just Got Real

The Quite Peckish Games

"Are you ready?" Crove asked, all cocky like. You know, humbleness is a virtue. One of the many virtues I have, because I am the amazing Sue!

"Yeah, I guess," I replied, "Thanks for being polite about it."

Crove rushed at me. I tried to take out my bow. She kicked me in the stomach before I could, and I toppled to the ground.

"Did you seriously think you could shoot me point blank with an ARROW?! Honestly, I'm not an idiot. That's your thing. It's not like I'll leave my guard down instead of just killing you-"

At that moment, Mesh picked her up off of me. That's what I like to call 'convenience'! Where someone saves me, and I'm regarded as a great hero, because I survived being attacked! YEAH, this is what I call quality writing!

"... I'm sorry, but I'm dating Cano. The guy I'm about to murder, after you all die. You know him? Hahahahahaha! Now, if you'll just let me go..." She begged. Mesh sighed.

"Seriously. Not everyone in this story thinks like Kamuss. I'm not going to let you run away." Mesh told her. Wow, this story just got serious. Bet you didn't see that coming, huh? Well, that's what's happening, until the Author can make a good joke.

... So basically, this series is never going to be funny. Ever.

Mesh threw Crove onto the ground. Hopefully this story doesn't get too graphic- Wait, what. The. Actual. Ledger?! I think Mesh just dropped a rock onto Crove's head. Is there anyway to make this light-hearted?! I don't know, find out next chapter!

... Seriously, we're still doing this chapter?! Wow, that was a good place to end it. It would've still been idiotically short.

We all hear Cannon fire. You know, that thing that's never mentioned in the story except for a one-off Mortal Kombat joke.

"Okay, Cano knows where we are." Pita the Stalker told us, "But at least he doesn't know who died!"

"He will in about five minutes." Mesh told us.

"Why?" Pita the Wanker- I mean, Stalker- I mean, the Bread said.

"Because Crove was supposed to kill ALL of us," Mesh explained, "For some of us... Less math skilled," I stare at Pita. Mesh also stares at me, for some reason, "That equals three cannons."

"Dammit!" I yelled, "Why did you have to bring logic into this?! THIS. IS. A. FAN FICTION. We shouldn't have logic!"

Now normally, people don't like reading about someone whine. For some reason, I'm an exception. Wanna know how I found that out? Heybetch told me that I've been whining for this whole story. Yeah, even before the actual Games started, he knew that I'm going to break the fourth wall a lot.

God, I love taking a break from the plot to make a bad fourth wall breaking joke!

We all decide to leave. Well, me and Mesh did. I had a part in the decision because I'm the main character, and, if they didn't come with me and they weren't an antagonist, they'd die off-screen. Mesh got a part because he's one of the two people who actually knows what they're doing. Pita didn't get a part because I don't talk to bread.

As we walked, nothing worth narrating happened. I'm just taking up time until we come to a intelligent, creative threat to attack us- HOLY LEDGER IT'S A DISNEY BASED WOLF!

The Wolf has the same basic appearance as Roo. I mean, Wolves don't generally have a hair cut, and they can't necessarily have a wolf with the face of a ten year old. And they can't make a wolf a certain race, which was one of her main defining traits. So basically the only resemblance is eye colour. BUT IT'S STILL ROO, PROBABLY!

I attempt to take out my bow, before the Roo-Wolf pounces on me, like a certain D, O, double G dogg. Yeah, I misspelled it for the purpose of a millionth reference to something I've never seen before. SHUT UP!

Mesh picks the Roo-Wolf up off of me, "It's in these circumstances that you should attack with a knife!" He yelled. Hey, we're just lucky that the Capitol is polite enough to make wolves that can wait for someone to hang a lampshade.

As Mesh beats the Roo-Wolf, I realize that this can be the only one. The damned Author is so obsessed with making this story legally distinct, he must be looking out his window in fear whenever he references Disney.

Mesh killed the Roo-Wolf (I love how I can make him do everything. It's gonna suck when he inevitabley dies to save me!) we continued on, until we reached a large, never entirely explained metal thing, of which we all climb on.

"Okay, so. I need you to take your bow out now," Mesh told me, "Not when you see a threat, and definitely not when it's already running at you."

I do what he said. Hey, better be safe then sorry! Convenient timing, because what I can only assume is the Crove-Wolf (For some odd reason, I can differentiate people based off their colours, but I can't... You know what, go to any chapter, you'll be able to find something to compare it to pretty damn quickly.) attacked Mesh.

Mesh proceeded to wrestle it, letting out some hilarious witty one-liners as he wrestled. I'd tell them to you, but you called me stupid. And you say that I over-use that 'But you called me stupid', joke. Well, who's being original NOW?! Huh? HUH?!

... Still pretty much everyone in comparison to me, but still. I'm the one with the point.

Anyway, I decided to be helpful. "Don't worry, Mesh!" I called, "I'll save you THIS TIME!" Hey, I haven't done anything heroic in a while, and I need some sympathy points. After that whole 'Sparkle' thing, people aren't liking me as a protaganist! Ridiculous, right?

... You didn't have to use such foul language, man.

I shot an arrow at Mesh. Unfortunatly, my amazing plot-based archery skills don't seem to be working right now, most likely due to the plot going nowhere, and I hit Mesh.

There goes one of my main character traits, 'good archer'. At least I still have, 'is pretty funny', and... Wow, this story sucks.

I hear cannon fire, which scares off the Crove-Wolf. Thanks, Capitol! It could've still ate Pita...

"Hey, Kamuss." Pita called. Honestly, I had no idea where he was. What, I'm not the one who's supposed to be telling this story!

... No, Reader, I will not look up 'narrator in the dictionary! I'm trying to tell a story through my point of view, commenting on the current events of the situation!

"I was just down there. The Generic Metal Platform freaks me out. I think I killed four or five Wolves." Pita told me.

"Oh yeah?" I replied, "I killed Mesh!"

"No offense, but that's not really something to brag about. He was our team mate!"

"Well... I scared away the Crove-Wolf!" I argued. Surely he will not have a comeback-

"I think that one bit my arm. It's bleeding, hard."

... Dammit, Pita! Why do you have to ruin everything for me! You getting hurt should be a joyous occasion!

"THERE YOU ARE!" I hear someone yell from the distance. I wonder who the only other person who could fight us is?! Maybe it's Harrison Motter! I'm pretty sure quite a few people have written that fan fiction already. Damn fan girls making me kill random people... It's hard enough being sympathetic killing people who some on the internet have literally called pure evil incarnate! Anyway, whoever it is, I should thank them for breaking the awkward silence between paragraphs. Here it comes:

See, wasn't that awkward?

Cano walked up onto the Metal Platform Thing. I got an arrow ready.

"What're you gonna do, shoot me?" He asked, in a similar fashion to how Storm asks his questions. Totally sincere without a hint of irony nor rhetoricality.

"Uh, yeah," I replied. "Thanks for noticing."

"Well, you know what? TOO F CKING BAD, BITCH!" He yelled, as he kicked Pita in the balls. Well, the closest to balls someone like him can have. I immediately feel a new respect for Cano. This time not in a sexual way. Well, mostly not in a sexual way.

"I've figured something out. My years of training is basically freakin' worthless!" As Pita writhed in pain, Cano hit him in the neck with the hilt of his sword that I forgot to mention.

"You wanna know why?!"

"Not really, but this damned story's word count needs to be padded, so shoot."

"Because this whole universe is just so f cked up! Whenever I do something great, someone can do the same or better, just for a cheap laugh!" Cano kicked the back of Pita's knee, making him finally collapse.

"I'm not a funny person. Everyone, EVERYONE I meet, is constantly spouting jokes and pop culture references of damn things none of us have ever SEEN!"

"It's like everyone knows they're being watched, so they're trying to be entertaining, and I'm the victim everyone pranks! But it's not a damned prank show! THIS. IS. F CKING. SERIOUS. BUSINESS."

"And I'm never going to win! I'm just gonna give up now, before some damn ridiculous thing kills me, like, if I touched a tree, and I got cancer from it! CANO IS OUT OF HERE, MARY SUE BITCHES!"

Cano then jumped off the Metal Platform and at the Wolves who promptly ate him. Why they never attacked neither Pita or Cano while they were coming up is for fan fiction to explain.

... What?! We're ending here?! Nice place to end a chapter, you un-creative Pita of Writers, you.

* * *

** Looks like we're almost done here! Only one, at most, two more chapters left until the main story is finished! It is about 1:15 AM as I write this, so I'm happy to almost be finished this chapter!**

** Writing this has been a lot of fun, and I'm glad people are really liking it. I've gotten some complaints over the length of the chapters, and the last three have been trying to counter this by being (overly, in a writing standpoint) longer!**

** By the way, yes, Cano killed himself. This ending I've had planned since like, chapter 12. I've made him the only sane person in this whole freaking series, and the only one who'd survive, nay, thrive in the actual _Hunger Games_ universe. He's also been one of my favorites to write, and I'm glad nobody has really hated him!**

** I'm really sad to have to kill the Contestants, because a lot are a ton of fun to write. Weasel Face, Sparkle, Mahvel, Roo, Crippled Kid, Cano, all really fun characters. Except for Cano. I may do a bit more with them in the form of flashbacks or bonus chapters.**

** I'm also excited to start thinking about _OH MY GOD I'M CATCHING FIRE!_. I get to write some of my favorite characters (Heybetch, Pita, Kamuss, Miffy, Finnigan McIrish, and more.) and there is a lot more to make fun of, seeing as I didn't like that book as much as the original, and that's saying something.**

** That's all for now, and bye!**


	36. Holy Crap I Actually Finished Something

The Quite Peckish Games

"Soooo, I guess we won." Pita the... You know what, this is the last chapter. Screw being clever, you've only waited thirty two chapters for our amazing conclusion!

"I guess we did," I agreed. I also felt a short stinging feeling in my chest, most likely due to agreeing with that dough-made wanker. "At least according to that announcement that I was too lazy to narrate a couple chapters ago." C'mon, you all know the damned story, and what's coming. Even I did. And I'm, well, me. Also the Author hates me too much to kill off Pita.

"Attention, all well-liked characters in the arena!" A Voice announced over the... Announcing Thing that can somehow be heard throughout a seemingly infinite arena. "Oh, and Pita. We always forget about Pita. You wanna know what sucks?"

There was an awkward silence, "Do you think that was a rhetorical question-"

"Having two winners is that thing that sucks!" The Announcer announced, "That joke sounded was a lot better when I was rehearsing my evil lines in the mirror."

... I really hope you didn't laugh at that line, because everytime we introduce a funny character that everyone likes, they're either me or probably gonna die, due to not being me. Go ahead, read the comments section on that one chapter with Sparkle. Guess which character the Author regrets making the only likable character?

The character would be Priem. But that's not a very good punchline, so let's say it's Sparkle-

"Seriously?! I'm making my plot twist announcement so I can get a whole four or five lines in this book, and you interrupt me for two whole paragraphs, making bad 'jokes'?!" The Announcer complained. And they call ME un-likable! "The basic gist of this is that only one of you can live, and I'm totally being completely serious with this. No number of people in the arena is getting out of there alive, except if that number is one. This story is WAY too good to cop out like that wit an ass-pull of a plot twist like both of you living. That would be ridiculous. I'm one hundred percent sure-"

Pita jumped off the Metal Platform nobody explained, and walked over (Nope, no Wolves less. I think they were engulfed by a plot hole.) to a Nite Lock bush. Rumour has it, one of the berries on there would make you think you're cool for miss-spelling things. Then it will bring you immense pain, eventually killing you. But that miss-spelling thing, that's why everyone hates them.

"If you don't let us both live, we shall kill ourselves by eating these berries!" Pita mocked.

"Yeah, sure. I'm coming over there too, gonna kill myself if we don't get outta here. Yep-"

"NOOOOO!" The Announcer yelled, "Fine, fine. YOU SHALL PASS- I mean, YOU SHALL BOTH NOT DIE!" Argh, if he gave me like, ten more seconds, Pita would've killed himself, and this story would become of quality again.

A couple of minutes later, through reasons un-explained, because why the hell not, we are taken back to the Capitol.

I was taken to a room in the Capitol Capital Tower. I had an interesting, two-sided, deep, mind-blowing conversation. I'm not going to narrate it for you, though. You said the chapters were two short, and now I have to do like, one thousand words of it. And I'm freakin' tired!

After about an hour of staring at the ceiling, (something Heybetch has told me is signifacently smarter than me. And it carries a story better, too. Heybetch never told me the last one, the internet forums did.) Miffy got me from my room.

"Guess what?" She cheered, "I'm still actually in this story! And you avoided your inevitable death!"

Yes, yes I did. I'm pretty sure that whole 'inevitable death' thing is a running gag. Now you see why she got phased out of the freaking story.

"What is it?" I asked. Holy Ledger, I'm actually getting a line in this chapter! That's really rare, now.

"It's time for your interview with Caesar Saladman!" Miffy told me, "We need it to pad out the length to match the last damned chapter!"

"Fine, fine..."

I, somehow, did nothing worth narrating about for a goodlengthed walk, and ended up at the extraordinarily expensive set of the 'Caesar Saladman's Little Variety Show' show!

"Why, welcome back, Kamuss Evermean!" Caesar greeted, "First of all, congratulations on winning your Games!"

"Thank you," I replied, "I didn't even really do all that much..."

"Heck yeah, you didn't do much!" Caesar agreed, "In fact, you barely did anything other than walking around, not dying, and killing squirrels!"

"... I was being modest, Pun Name Man." Hahahahaha, I'm sure that insult really put him in his place!

We went through the rest of the interview fairly well. And by fairly well, I mean we all ignored Pita. Hahahahaha, he kept trying to be a valid part of the conversation! (Well, whatever little amount you can have where one character is named after hippie food, and the other is a completely AMAZING Mary Sue.) He probably would've talked about bread or something, that idiot.

We started on a train to Sector 12.

I can't wait to use my infinite supply of snacks... I mean, I can't wait to see my family. Yeah, they're awesome and stuff. Not 'snack' awesome, but awesome.

* * *

** HOLY CRAP! Someone actually FINISHED a Fan Fiction! And the conclusion was satisfying! Well, as satisfying as you can get from writing at 11:45 PM, basically bitching about a book that you have no way of getting as popular as!**

** But enough for ranting (That's for the fan girls! I'm already barricading myself from their forces... Do you have a machine gun I could borrow?), it's time to say what this story has accomplished!**

** This story has, at the time of this writing, 13 favorites, 14 followers, a mildly popular spinoff, 6,565 views, and 100 reviews! This is pretty much the most popular thing I have ever done!**

** Thanks to Chalieal, the writer of the 100th review, and the excellent writer of the currently in-progress _The Game_, thanks to anyone who I ran a joke by, thanks for everyone who has reviewed, thanks to that Morman guy who threatened me because of a _Twilight_ joke misunderstanding, thanks for Kamuss, who's such an idiot it's funny, and thanks to ANYONE who has gone so far to read this line!**

** Right now, I'm going to post a list of things I considered doing with the story. Because why the hell not, it's not like I have any STORY to be writing!**

**- A "Heybetch's Speech" chapter, which I missed when originally writing.**

**- A chapter detailing Sparkle's death. I actually thought about it right after I'm a Muppet of a Girl's bonus chapter, when people started loving Sparkle, and wanted her to be the protagonist!**

**- A chapter detailing Pita's POV in a part of the Games. When I was going to do this, Pita wasn't really doing anything. When he would've been interesting, (When he was with the Careers, when he was fighting Cano, and when he was with Mesh.) I forgot about it.**

**- A Halloween chapter taking place in Sector 12. It probably would've starred Storm, Priem, and Match. I really didn't have anything to talk about in the story.**

**- A Christmas themed episode, of which I was actually going to write late-November. I had the notepad open, and I couldn't write anything down. I had nothing to write, man!**

**- A Crove based chapter. Didn't really go anywhere.**

**- Weasel-Face was supposed to live a lot longer. I loved the idea of having Weasel-Face and Kamuss team up, because people loved the two characters in the original book, and there is some awesome slash fiction about them- I MEAN BECAUSE THEY ARE FUNNY TOGETHER!**

**- Cano, Mesh, Pita, and Kamuss were going to team-up to fight the Wolves. It was a cool idea, but it was two in the freaking morning, and I had a lot to write, so I didn't want to take up too much team with them meeting. That leads into...**

**- The 'Wolves' fight was going to be a lot longer. The reason it didn't show up is the same as why they didn't meet together to fight them.**

**- There was, in the time between 'Chapter de Rien' and 'Kamuss Meets a Squirrel', I planned on having a scene where the Evil Wasp things were going to kill Sparkle. The Evil Wasp Things never met with anyone during one of the chapters, so it was cut.**

**- A LOT more commentaries were thought of. Not many liked the first batch, so these were scrapped.**

**- There was going to be a chapter where the Game Makers were getting pissed off at Kamuss, which was probably replaced with one of my least favorite chapters, the 'Trainers' chapter. They were never really explored in the books, so I couldn't write much with them other than this:**

"ARGH, Kamuss is an idiot!" The Head Game Maker cried. "Let's just kill her now! WE HAVE THE TECHONOLOGY! And by technology, I mean fire balls and Wolf Mutants!"

"I'm afriad we can't, sir." Nameless Extra Jr. replied.

"WHAT?! Why?!" The Head Game Maker yelled.

"Because she's the main character, sir."

"So what?! They could always write bonus chapters, un-necessary to the main story!"

"Please," Nameless Extra Jr. argued, "Everyone hates those!"

** That's it! I don't think I have anything else to write for now, so, thank you, good bye, and look out for more bonus chapters, and _OH MY GOD I'M CATCHING FIRE!_**


	37. Alternate Ending: Katniss

The Quite Peckish Games

**This is the first of the non-canon 'Alternate Endings' of _The Quite Peckish Games_, as promised!**

**... Almost two months after I thought it would be up.**

We started on a train to Sector 12.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" I screamed as I bursted out of my slumber.

... What just happened?

I knew the Hunger Games would have an effect on my dreams... I've been having nightmares for five, ten, fifteen years. My loving husband, Peeta Mellark, put his arms around me.

"Katniss, what happened?" He asked. He knew not to ask 'What's wrong?' anymore. I've woken up screaming since the Hunger Games, almost every night. I'm kinda surprised my kids haven't asked about it, but whatever.

"My dream... It was... So... Idiotic." I stuttered. I can't really describe it, it was just so damned ridiculous.

"Idiotic?" Peeta asked, confused, "I've heard horrific, I've heard humiliating, I've heard almost everything, but not idiotic. What happened in your 'idiotic' dream?"

"My name was Kamuss-"

"Kamuss? Why 'Kamuss'? That sounds like something a child thinks of within two seconds when he can't think of a real name. We gave our kids awesome names."

"Everyone had stupid names like that! You were Pita."

"... Honey, that's my real name." Peeta sighed.

"No, your name was 'pita', as in the bread." I explained.

"I've never heard of pita bread. And I'm a baker. Whoelse was there?"

"There were some people from the Capitol."

"I thought everybody had weird names."

"Oh, for half of my dream I couldn't figure out WHAT the Capitol's name was gonna be." I sighed as I put my hand under my chin.

"Well, go on. This sounds like something that would make an interesting book."

"No, it wouldn't! It's mind-numbingly stupid! I don't know why anyone would even read this steaming piece of fanfiction-esque crap!" I yelled, "It's worse than... Caesar Saladman's haircut!"

"Who's Caesar Saladman?" Peeta asked.

"I meant Caesar Flickerman. They were a lot alike. Saladman and you got along really well. It probably had something to do with the pun names."

"Puns?" Peeta laughed, "Nobody likes those."

"MY DREAM DID! I used them constantly! I guess it's what I thought of as a 'joke'..."

"I was always the funny one."

I threw a pillow at him, "Shut up!" I laughed. Maybe he's right, though. All of the jokes were stupid, and I'm sure of that. 100% crap. They also explained themselves way too much.

"So, let me get this straight. There was 'Kamuss' and 'Pita'. What were we doing?"

"It was like the first Hunger Games. You know, the one that the Capitol Viewers actually enjoyed. It started when I was out hunting in the forest with Storm- I mean, Gale."

"Damn. I wish I got an awesome name like that."

"SHUT UP, PITA YOU WANKER!" I yelled. I had no idea what came over me.

Pita moved his arms away from my shoulders, "Alright, Honey. Calm down..."

"Sorry, that was random, I had no reason to do that... I hated you in the dream too, for literally no reason."

"That's settling." Peeta laughed.

"So, I went into the Hunger Games, but they were called 'The Quite Peckish Games', because my dream was stupid like that. But I didn't volunteer for Prim, god bless her soul, I volunteered cause the Heath Ledger-"

Peeta opened his mouth.

"-Don't ask, called our last name 'Evermean' stupid!"

"It is a stupid name," Peeta commented, "And very descriptive."

I sighed and continued, "Then, I went to the Capitol with Miffy."

"... Why do you keep changing people's names?"

"Shut up, that's why. Anyway, I spent about half of the dream in the Capitol, because the pacing of my dream was just weird. And, and-"

I heard a scream from another room. Either Heybitch- I mean, Heybetch- I MEAN, HAYMITCH, has blanked out at the door, or my Daughter is having a nightmare.

Peeta and I ran into my Daughter's Room, "Mum! Dad!" She yelled.

I hugged her, "What is it, Hun?" I asked.

"I had a scary dream like you do, Mum... We're learnin' about the Hunger Games in school, and it was-"

"The seventy-fourth?" Peeta interrupted. She nodded.

"I know how you feel," I told her, "I just had one too."

"H-how did it end?" She asked, still obviously frightened by her nightmare.

"... Stupidly."

** Well, there's the first amazingly disappointing 'Alternate Ending' to _The Quite Peckish Games_. I had a ton of fun writing this. I didn't have to write an idiot or a narcissist for once!**

**Oh, and the first chapter of _The Quite Peckish Games: OH MY GOD I'M CATCHING FIRE_ is up! I'm working on the second chapter, which will most likely not be up soon!**

**Please review!**


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